Transactive Memories, Loneliness and the Holidays

As we approach the holidays, loneliness is not an uncommon emotion and state. Holidays can be triggering for many people for a variety of reasons. Death, divorce, and estrangement all encompass the disappearance of shared experiences and memories.

Psychologist, Daniel Wenger, uses the term “transactive memory,” which describes the concept of how relationships provide a way to hold memories outside of your own mind. Shared experiences help a person understand themselves better. By having close relationships we have a larger array of detailed historical information about our own existence. Relationships help you remember parts of yourself you may have forgotten.

For example, when someone tells a positive story about you when you were younger, you feel cared for and loved. Your story is worth remembering, therefore you are worth remembering. Overall, relationships help provide the missing gaps of information for your autobiographical narrative. In other words, we help each other have meaning.

When close relationships come to an end, it can feel like a wound that reopens with subtle triggers that can leave you raw and vulnerable. Like an exposed electrical cord with frayed wires looking for a connections that was once there. When we do not have that relationship, we lose a part of ourselves and collective history.  Loneliness is an understandable reaction to the loss of these shared networks.

The holidays can serve as a significant trigger that reminds you of these lost moments in time. Although a lost relationship can be devastating, connections are so important.

Painful when they are gone.

It is ok to feel the pain.

That pain is a symbol of your existence and a part of being.

Call a friend, contact a family member, reach out to a supportive person, get connected and help your loneliness. If you know someone who is experiencing loneliness, be the light on these dark days.